I just can't get over it.

Ok, I hate to say it, but I still can't get over the past. What happens when you've had something so good, that you feel like you will never find it again. Thats how I feel. I feel like the standards have been set so high that no one will ever met them. With that being said, is it fair for me to settle? Will I ever find happiness? Is this lifestyle so tainted that no one is willing to give their all. I have to say there has been times where I was not will to give my all; reason's being, I was scared, didn't want to get hurt, wasn't sure about a future with the other person, had some personal issues going on, etc. I know, sounds like excuses. I'm over that stage. I know what I'm looking for, but I have yet to find it again. One day. I think the biggest problems with relationships is there is too much outside interference. Whether it be a past relationship, blocked emotions, friends, sexy other people, the club, etc. I don't want to deal with any of that. So Mr. Right, no Mr. Right now, if you're out there, holla at me. 404-777-9311

Exploration XXX

Ok, so I was watching a movie today at work and it made me think of My first Time. The name of the movie is, "The Art of Being Straight". So I just want to write about how exciting and scary it was to have my first interaction with another male. It was when I was in college. (Not a suprise huh?) It was the spring semester of my sophmore year when I met him. It was in American History. I couldn't help but to look at them everyday. I notice their sleek way of dressing, curls in their hair, and boyish charm. LOL, this is all so funny to me that I can write about this stuff now. It was one day in class that I couldn't help but to keep looking back at him. I looked at least 3 times. finally he looked behind him when he caught me looking to see what I was looking at. When he saw that there was nothing behind him worth looking back, he gave me a slight smile after catching me again. (What was I thinking) After class was over, he walked by my desk, put his hand on my shoulder and gave a slight squeeze and said, "you have a good one", all while giving the same smile he had just given me earlier. We began to converse more and then one day he asked me if we could study together and of course I agree. We had a big test coming up the follow week so we made plans to study on that coming Friday. Who studies on a friday. When I got over to his house, he had a guest over playing a game system. I won't tell which one because it will tell my age. (Lets just say its legendary) When I got over there, he tried his best to get his friend to leave. At this particular point, I knew the dude got down. He had a friend over who obviously was gay, cheerleader for that matter, and he triend his best to be alone. After the friend left, he asked me if I wanted to watcha movie. We watched movies and talked until about 1 am. When I left, he gave me a huge hug. One for too long, but not too long. The next day he invited me over to study again, except this time I didn't bring any books. It was late when I got over there. We began to play game and talk. He asked me if I ever had a threesome, and I hadn't, hell I was a virgin. After we talked for a little while, he stated that he was going to go watch TV in his room and I could come if I like and I followed. Once we got in the bedroom, we both laid across the bed and began to talk. He began to pull the hairs off my arm while we were talking. I told him to stop and he wouldn't. I've never been a physical person so I didn't really do anything back. Since he didn't stop, I started pulling his hair off his arms. He said I that I probably like it, I didn't admit it, but I did like being touched by another man. Since I didn't stop, he grabbed my arm, pulled me in closer, and that's when I had my first kiss with another male. I stayed over pretty late kissing and touching. It was a feeling like none other. I wish I could get that feeling all over again. Lets just say, later down the line, it lead to us spending the night together, although straight roomies were involved. We never were in a relationship, but we took care of each other.