Here's something for you....

Wow, it's been a while since I've blogged. Lets talk about why I'm single. Initiation is the key reason why I'm unhappy in a lot of areas. I have dated several people but none of these people initiate anything. I'm always the one to call and say, "hey, lets go to a movie, out to eat, or something fun." I always remember the small things, like their favorite candy. I have found three people that that have show some initiative and I've been in three relationships. I also started thinking about what I've done for my friends. I always throw parties for my friends birthday, graduations, promotions, going away party, etc. I can't recall one time they did the same for me. Lesson I try to teach everyone else, "everyone's not going to thing and react to things like you do." All I need in my life is a little initiation.

Cabin Trip 2010

So we are going on another cabin trip this year. I know I said that I would not plan another one, but everyone requested that I did and I'm affraid to let someone else plan it. 1. I'm not sure if I can trust someone else to do it. 2. Some people will not be willing to go if I wasn't planning it. Already, we are running into some of the same issues as last year, certain people want to go but never have their money ready. I know I don't make the most, especially with me recently quiting my second job, but $110.00 is not much. Especially to include a weekend with all food, and unlimited alcohol. I spend that much on a Saturday night out with friends.

Dinner $45.00
Club $20.00
Drinks $25.00
After club Waffle house $10.00

I don't know half the people that are going so thats going to make it pretty interesting. One of my bestfriends are going but the other one is not. I'm so happy Sibel is not going this year, she stirs up some shit every year. I have to admitt, she does make the trip memorable. This year, I hope that it's memorable in a different way. I look forward to lots of drinking, games, and competitions. I don't want to do all the cooking this year. I get so tired of that. I don't get to go on the trip for free so why should I work it. A matter of fact, I alway end up using some of my own money to cover things. Not this year baby. Any ways. This should be a great fun trip. I got two new Judies, Errol and Quinton, so its going to be one mo.

Let 2010 Begin.

I haven't wrote anything in a long time. Now that I look back at 2009, I have learned a lot over the past 16 months. Yes, I said 16 not 12. So my year has started off simular to 2009. I have found someone that I enjoy getting to know and we will see where it leads from there. Let my friends tell it, we are already together. LOL. HIT IT. I'm so looking for change this years. Increase, advancement, growth, release, and favor. I don't even know what to write about right now. Here are a few of my goals.

1. I have to work on my health. Work out and get this body right
2. Attend church more frequently
3. Keep my friends close andrelease those negative things.
4. Pay off bills
5. Spend more time with my family. (Esp. the boys)
6. Increase my income.
7. Finish School
8. Work on music
9. Work on websit
10. Learn how to cook better.

I know it is a small list, but this is what I want on top of peace and happiness. So back to this mistery person. This is someone that I've held a few short conversations with out and about, via facebook, etc. We finally got the opportunity to sit down and talk and I found out that they had just as much in interest in me as I did in them. We have been hanging pretty hard. My bestfriend said that he was happy to have his bestfriend back. I have to admitt, since my last real relationship, I have not been the same. I changed dramatically and I'm so happy to be able to see a light out of that dark time. I'm glad this person can be a part of bringing that light, but I thank God most for helping me get to the point to be able to realize where I was and where I want to be. Thanks friends and family for all your support. I think all that has need to be release and cast out of my life has been done.

Changing Colors

So I have to say, things have been changing changing and changing. I have to say, it's like I've been waiting on a bigger change that any that have happened. I have lost love, lost friends, lost incoome, lost drive, and the list goes on. I'm not sure where I'm going to be but I'm waiting. I need to stop waiting and try to take some action. Just because I'm going to grad school does not me that my future is going to be bright. Lord knows college didn't do much for me or I didn't do much with my college degree. I'm still like a child trying to figure this all out. I think I understand the whole love thing know. Friendship has recently become confusing and questionable for me. I love my friends to death and I feel like certain friends are going to be there for a life time while others will go and grow in their own direction. Where is the drive I had as a young man, that fire that was under me, the gentle harshness that I was so used to presenting, and that guy that everyone seemed to love.

I just can't get over it.

Ok, I hate to say it, but I still can't get over the past. What happens when you've had something so good, that you feel like you will never find it again. Thats how I feel. I feel like the standards have been set so high that no one will ever met them. With that being said, is it fair for me to settle? Will I ever find happiness? Is this lifestyle so tainted that no one is willing to give their all. I have to say there has been times where I was not will to give my all; reason's being, I was scared, didn't want to get hurt, wasn't sure about a future with the other person, had some personal issues going on, etc. I know, sounds like excuses. I'm over that stage. I know what I'm looking for, but I have yet to find it again. One day. I think the biggest problems with relationships is there is too much outside interference. Whether it be a past relationship, blocked emotions, friends, sexy other people, the club, etc. I don't want to deal with any of that. So Mr. Right, no Mr. Right now, if you're out there, holla at me. 404-777-9311

Exploration XXX

Ok, so I was watching a movie today at work and it made me think of My first Time. The name of the movie is, "The Art of Being Straight". So I just want to write about how exciting and scary it was to have my first interaction with another male. It was when I was in college. (Not a suprise huh?) It was the spring semester of my sophmore year when I met him. It was in American History. I couldn't help but to look at them everyday. I notice their sleek way of dressing, curls in their hair, and boyish charm. LOL, this is all so funny to me that I can write about this stuff now. It was one day in class that I couldn't help but to keep looking back at him. I looked at least 3 times. finally he looked behind him when he caught me looking to see what I was looking at. When he saw that there was nothing behind him worth looking back, he gave me a slight smile after catching me again. (What was I thinking) After class was over, he walked by my desk, put his hand on my shoulder and gave a slight squeeze and said, "you have a good one", all while giving the same smile he had just given me earlier. We began to converse more and then one day he asked me if we could study together and of course I agree. We had a big test coming up the follow week so we made plans to study on that coming Friday. Who studies on a friday. When I got over to his house, he had a guest over playing a game system. I won't tell which one because it will tell my age. (Lets just say its legendary) When I got over there, he tried his best to get his friend to leave. At this particular point, I knew the dude got down. He had a friend over who obviously was gay, cheerleader for that matter, and he triend his best to be alone. After the friend left, he asked me if I wanted to watcha movie. We watched movies and talked until about 1 am. When I left, he gave me a huge hug. One for too long, but not too long. The next day he invited me over to study again, except this time I didn't bring any books. It was late when I got over there. We began to play game and talk. He asked me if I ever had a threesome, and I hadn't, hell I was a virgin. After we talked for a little while, he stated that he was going to go watch TV in his room and I could come if I like and I followed. Once we got in the bedroom, we both laid across the bed and began to talk. He began to pull the hairs off my arm while we were talking. I told him to stop and he wouldn't. I've never been a physical person so I didn't really do anything back. Since he didn't stop, I started pulling his hair off his arms. He said I that I probably like it, I didn't admit it, but I did like being touched by another man. Since I didn't stop, he grabbed my arm, pulled me in closer, and that's when I had my first kiss with another male. I stayed over pretty late kissing and touching. It was a feeling like none other. I wish I could get that feeling all over again. Lets just say, later down the line, it lead to us spending the night together, although straight roomies were involved. We never were in a relationship, but we took care of each other.

It Kills me.

Oh yaahh ive got trouble with my friends
Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone , I need you to come on home
I know you messin around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down
Ooooh I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes
And it kills me to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna ooh hoo ohh to you hoo hoo
Should I grab his cell, call this chick up
Start some shhhh then hang up
Or I should I be a lady
Oohh maybe cuz I wanna have his babies
Ohh yah yahh cuz I don’t wanna be alone
I dont need to be on my own
But I love this man
But some things I cant stand ohhhh
Ive gotta be out my mind To think its gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave but the other half still believes
and it kills mee to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna oohh hoo ohhh, to you hoo hooo