What you won't do.

So I started to ask myself what my friends want do. It's amazing the things that I will do for my friends. I know they will do it for me as well, but is it wrong for me to question that. I've been going through some major changes in life and I'm really trying to find my way. I've been moving people in and out of my life, and I hope that it's for the good. One of the people that I have distance myself from is the person that I last dated. Let me rephrase that, I was in a relationship with. So, I started asking myself, should we hold our ex's to the same standards as our friends. I mean we held them at a higher standard before it all ended. Should we just not hold them to a standard at all. What if you need them, do you call on them or a friend. What if they hesitate to assist, do you get mad at them or take it for what it is. What if they don't want to do anything. It all goes to the question of "do you think you can be friends with an ex". My answer has always been yes, but I'm starting to question that answer. Maybe it's better to let things end and fade off into the wind. Should you not do the same things that you once did for them. I mean, what would make things so different if you all are doing the same things but aren't together. Sometimes, I just want to be bi polar and be like, "fuck you, and fuck the world." My lips is bussin and my eyes are poppin. Holla.

Try Try Again.

You tried when I didn't try, you tried when I couldn't. You tried through all the trials and tribulations. You tried when there was much to try for, you tried when there was nothing at all. You tried when it was being built, you tried during the long run, you tried when it began to go bad, you tried when it ended. You tried with all your heart. I tried when it was too late. Now we're all tried out so all there is left to do it cry.
You tried, you cried, I tried I cried, We tried but something inside both of us died.

Love

143

P.S (Never wait to late to try or you will defeat the whole purpose)

Would you date someone who stays with an ex?

I asked all my friends if they would date someone who stays with an ex. Below are their responses. Put your response in the comments section.

1. "I would depend on the circumstances and whether or not that person is honest and up front about the situation. If you are just DATING then it shouldn't’t matter. You’re not exclusive or committed just dating. Of course you don’t want to be the other “woman” but in this community the line between dating and relationship are blurred."
2. "HELL NO…. I’m a real jealous dude and my name is ***….no need for further explanation."
3. "If they were at the end of their lease, I may start getting to know them with the understanding that they will be moving out soon. If theres no sign of them parting habitats anytime soon then probably not. Theres too much tension involved when hangin out at the crib and too convenient for a “slip up” after a drunken night out on the town or after a fight. What would you do?"
4. "Probably not... just seems like 2 much confusion... there is also the dynamic of the relationship that they had and where if currently stands in each individuals mind... too much room for mess if you ask me.... "
5. "NEVER! There is a lot of reasons why… I will have to send you the reason why when I leave work… "
6. "it depends on the relationship, but it most cases, hell no....
   but if the two are more like close friends...like in our situation then i guess it could be different"
7. "No, because I don’t want to battle with their post separation BS."
8. "No because there would be way too much drama. Although you and you're roomate/ ex may be cool, jealousy is going to present itself at some point and there are going to be issue between the two people that live together. Eventually, rule and regulation may be put in place and if I wanted to spend the night or hang out there, It would be awkward."

Helpful quotes from my ex's.

I was thinking about a lot a phrases that my ex's have said that truly have helped me get through some things and stay make decisions. Here is the list, and thank you ex's for you statements.

1. "You teach people how you want to be treated" i.e. If you let someone run over you, they have been taught that it's ok to do that, or if you teach someone to treat you like the best thing on earth, that's what they'll do.
2. "You have to determine if something is healthy or unhealthy for you, and that will determine if it should be a part of your life"
3. "Is the person your with a necessity or a accessory "
4. "If you want something, you have to be willing to change and work towards that"
5. "Sacrificing is the only way to get ahead if you're behind."
6. "It should never be just about you but about Us"
7. "If we can't work through problems, then we might as well give up now"
8. "Never let the past keep you from your present or future"
9. "It will always be about us and not our friends or others"
10. "Love is forever and will never die"

Better Day

So I messed up and I don't know what to say,
T.I. said it's ok, tomorrow will be a better day.

What happens when you love someone but you see that your relationship with them is not a healthy or prosperous one for either members involved? Well, this is what I did and I'm not sure if I'm going to regret it or not. Its something that I have had to live with and will have to live with for some time now. I decided to cut the person lose. I feel that if I can't provide them with what they need or if things have to be stressful, let that person go on and find someone that can. Its like a job, if your going to a job just to get by and you don't like that job or its not providing enough funds to cover your expenses, then you might want to start searching for a new job. I did it in a very cruel way though. Although I want the person in my life, and they're in my life now, I made them upset to the point to where they don't really want anything to do with me. I guess I can live with that. Now that that's done, both hearts should be able to move on and both hearts have moved on. Am I correct or is this all sounding pretty lame. Friendship and relationships become so much harder when you heart is involved. You don't mind losing someone that you do not love but if its someone you love, its the hardest thing in the world. It reminds me so much of death with a twist. When a person is here, you have the opportunity to love them and show them that. Sometimes we don't feel like we did everything to show them that so we know have to deal with the pain and sadness inside. In a relationship its the same way. You have the opportunity to love someone, but if you don't show them you love them with all your heart, its a lose lose situation. You don't know what it could have been and the other person never truly knows how you felt. Love is no game.

143

I'm wearing 3X today.

So my co worker said that I look like one of my X today.
I looked at her strangely and had nothing to say,
I didn't think I did but another person Agreed,
Then I looked at my self and said, maybe its this Shirt he bought me.
I looked at my pants and realized they came from the gap in DC.
Damn another piece of clothing from another X to me.
Then I went down to my shoes, and seen my faded black socks,
These were borrow from the relationship that was recently stopped.
I know I'm a small boy and I haven't finished growing yet,
But damn, why is it today I have on this 3X.

I finally found you.

I finally found you, and you're all that I need.
My heart is now free and now I can breath.
I finally found you, now I feel so complete.
You came into my life and swept me off my feet.
All the others seem so obsolete when it comes to you,
But to get where I am today, that was something I had to go through,
I finally found you, and this time it feels so real,
That's why I've given you my heart all wrapped up and sealed.
I know I might move too quick, but this time I know its true,
I've been through many false loves and now I finally found you.

Where's your Pride?

Queen of the Night..

When you met me, you didn't have a problem with my style,
I was dressed to impressed, only the best and nothing less,
But now you want to confess that I'm a little to out there, way to wild.
The funny thing is, I haven't changed a bit,
when it was just me and you, you dint have a problem with this shit.
My Nails, always manicured, Face, always beat.
Jewelry from Tiffanie's and fendi for my well pedicured feet.
My Gucci hand bag was no problem for you, my little closet, that's what you called it.
Now that we're out in public more, you want me to trade it in for a Wilson's Wallet.
That's not my style, I'd have something to put my mac in,
What do you expect me to do, carry my shit around in my hand.
When I met your friends, you tried to change my style of dress,
I'd wear my skinny jeans, and scarf any day before I settle for less,
So why the sudden change, when it seems I haven't changed a thang,
Why can't I be who I am and things still remain the same,
So why the fuck try to be with me, when you want to change everyting on the outside.
It's still me that you're with, so where the hells is your Pride.

Trade for days...

So you walk around here as if this is the only lifestyle to live,
People constantly dont want to be around you because it's to much you give,
You wear make up on the job, and sashay all over the place,
And then get upset and be like "what the hell are yall all in my face"
You have no respect for your surroundings and you act as if you don't care,
You call it just being yourself but others see it as you just queening out everywhere.
High heel shoes, skinny leg jeans, and often you carry your man sake,
You say that this is you, but I think its a learned behavior, all just an act,
An Act because you want to be accepted, but you've taken it to an extreme,
All this time, you've been accepted, but you want to be noticed, so you choose to make a scene.
So I ask you, why do you act this way, so gay, as if this is the only thing that you with hold inside,
Where's your respect for not only yourself, but others, I'm asking you, where is your pride.

Famous Text.....

I hope I don't offend anyone by doing this, but I decided to post text that have been sent to me and text that I have sent that I consider to be pretty interest and to get people's minds flowing.

Forgive me friends and family.

1. " I was a little worried because they have the tendency to queen out when drinking sometimes"


2. "Did you know you have to buy tickets for the inauguration? "


3. "How is your love life? That may be the problem."


4. "U ok?"


5. "Night Buddy, we have a black president."


6. " So have you ever felt a touch that made everything ok?"


7. "Back in the days people were water hosed down trying to vote"


8. "Phil u really should chill"


9. "I started my escort business, LOL"


10. "I wanted to leave with you"


11. "Hey, I kn ow you have a lot going on personally/professionally, but I wanted to encourage you to remember all this is temporary and shall pass look to ur future."


12. "What time you want me to come over?"


13. "Bitch don't send me to vm, what time to be ova there"


14. "Find me some body to fuck"


15. "I hate niggas, sometimes they be on that bull"


16. "Its cool. It takes time to get to your goal. Make a checklist and take it one day at a time"


17. " I think I'm crazy and tired of dealing with dudes and stress right now"


18. "Nigga I'm drunk and these niggas want me to sweat them but I"m not"


19. "Hey, U don't love me anymore. U was on a date last night"


20. "I'm so mad. Maybe I'm meant to be single, its like nothing can be good for me. I think I find someone then here comes the bull shit. Maybe I'm meant to be a ho."


21. "I'm so over stuff, I'm really losing it"


22. "So lets get married, meet half way, and live in North Carolina."


23. "Hey, I can't help that unlike you, the way to my hear is not my ass, but my stomach"


24. "I let XXXXX do me last night. Have u ever used a fleet? It was painful and I have not used a fleet either. XXXXX and his friends was trying to convince me to do that cause they said it would be easier but I was like no, that is too much of being a bottom. Would u ever use one?"

I guess my text aren't as interesting as I thought they were.

Forgiveness

I was sitting at work today filling out a survey that my friend Cyrus sent me. It was called 37 odd things about you. The questions had nothing to do with forgiveness, but it sure did pop in my mind. I think it also Because I was watching the Magic Pants of Sister hood 2 as well. So anyway, I started thinking about how I never think anyone forgives me because I don't forgive myself. I once asked someone to forgive me for a terrible mistake that I made, they forgave me, but I didn't believe they forgave me because I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. I have learned just because a person forgives you, does not mean that things are going to go back to the happy old way they used to be. Its okay for a change to come after forgiveness. I treat my feelings and mistakes the same way, I constantly don't forgive myself because I always want things to go back to the same, hence I can't grow from my experiences. Maybe that's why I'm always in the same place. I'm so happy these changes are taking place in my life.

I hate you so much right now.....

"Last year, valentines day, you would spoil me, say Babe, I love you, love you and I swear. Held you when you were sick heavin The whole time I think to myself, this isnt fair What is this I see (no) You dont come home to me (oh, no) When you dont come home to me (man) Cant deal, cant bear You keep tellin me lies But to your surprise Look, I found his red coat And youre nigga caught out. I hate you so much right now

So sick of your games, Ill set your car to flames. And watch it blow up, blow up, tell me (how you gonna see it now) So far Im sincere {i love you}, fabrications in my ear. Drive me so far up the wall, I come slidin down. What is this I see (I dont believe this)You dont come home to me. When you dont come home to meI cant deal, cant bear (I wont). You keep tellin me lies. But to your surprise. Look, I hope youre happy Since youre caught out there. Yeah, youve been caughtYo, come I hate you so much right now(hes so) oh, cheap, so vulgar, not me, why the hell him. Look, he dresses (look at he) a mess, what do you see (I dont know). Its not all about cash (hell, no), nor how much you flashHow I dress is a reflection of meWhat is this I seeYou dont come home to me (uh-uh). When you dont come home to me. Cant deal, cant bear (told you I wont). You keep tellin me lies. But to your surprise. Look, I got somethin for yall. Since youre caught out there. I hate you so much right nowUgh..."

(Kelis)

Yesterday.

Today is a new day and yesterday already came,
But the thoughts that linger on still are from yesterday and remain the same.
Things that mattered once, should matter no more,
Its time to start a new chapter, time to open new doors,
I've thought about yesterday, and maybe even times before that,
In the mist of thinking about yesterday, I wonder where today is at.
I'm still trying to find you today, but cant because yesterday still holds on.
If I know that I'm having a promblem with yesterday, then why is today still wrong.
I'm a repeated offender you'll find what I did today also in yesterday's news.
So where are you today, because its time for me to forget yesterdsay's blues.
So now that is all said and done, I only have one thing left to say,
Its been tough and hard, So Fuck you yesterday.

Things have got to change.

So tonight was a great night. We have our first black president. But that's not what I want to write about tonight. Tonight was a night of change for me, or so I think. I went to an election party and it was fairly nice I must say. Thanks for the invite, Princess. So after that I came home because I was tired and slightly buzzed. After sitting in the house for a while and ironing my work clothes for work, I decided to get the hell out the emotional house. Just the atomphere itself is so unbarable sometimes. So after talking to Cal, he said to come to his place and it wasn't to far from a club where DJ Cedrick was to be playing. I thought this could be fun and give me an opportunity to release some stress. I went by the club to see how things were and then punched on to Cal's. Once I was there we talked about my inability to let go, trust, and love. Talk well needed. I need to learn how to relax, relate, and release. I also had a visitor from a little friend that is never welcome. He normally likes to visit at night with his embarrassing ass. I hate the hell out of him and wish he didn't exist. Luckily, Cal knew about him and knew exactly what to do to make him go away, or at least stop being so damn annoying. Its amazing how friends can handle something and you never told them the proper way to handle it. So after getting him out the way, I decided to go home and call it a night because he can be so embarrassing and I hate for people to meet him. I'm saying all this to say, Thanks. I realize that I have got to take charge of my life in more than one way. I wish it was that easy to say, the buck stops here. A change has got to come. A breath of fresh air has got to come. I have to come to reality of what things are. At the same time, I have to make things the way I want them to be. So today, I'll try to start with me. I just wish I could do it without being so emotionally drain with yesterdays issues.

Love...

So I just can't seem to stop blogging. Today I was reading some things today. I have to say, when you're dumb, you're dumb. Love is such a good feeling and I can say that there's nothing better in life. I'm still growing and I think I will continue to grow. All I can say is Thank you and I love you.

My One and Only

Love

You're a Legend.

Where did my baby go, I wish that he would get back soon. Maybe that way you could give me the Green Light and we could go ahead with this thing. I would love to just be able to say Good morning love. So If you're out there, I hope that you're reading this. Because This time, its going to be Satisfaction. I can say that I want to Cross the line so that Everyone knows. I know that I love you love and that the is no other love. So let thise love Take me away and Lets get Lifted. This is not something that I want to begin or end Quickly, so I have to react Quickly. I don't ever want to hear the words, It's Over. I want so bad for it to be Heavan. Hopefully, you'll Save Room for my love. Because I want to do it all Again. I mean lets Slow Dance, I won't be ashamed of the P.D.A. We can listen to the Radio while Each day gets better. You were once my Maxine, and you dont have to Show Me anything because you're so much more. So let us have Another Again. So I'm still back at the beginning of where I started because I still want to know, Where did my baby go, I wish that he would get back soon. I guess Heavan only Knows.

Too much glamour and glitz.

Hey you, whats up with that shit,
Walking around here with too much glamour and glitz.
Yeah I see those Gucci shoes and those glasses from Dior,
And I also seen that eviction notices that was posted on your door.
You happily smile because when people talk about you, they call you a name brand bitch,
But at the same time get disappointed because we all know you stunted that shit.
Credit card, not yours, or at least you don't have a matching ID.
I would get exhausted if I had to try to remember who I am monthly.
They said you are a writer and that you're one of the best,
You're no Terry McMillan, E. Lynn Harris, because the books your write in involves checks.
So I only have one question for you, whats up with that shit,
Why must you be try so hard to display so much glamour and glitz?

I just can't....

So I didn't notice this until yesterday. I haven't been eating lately. Yesterday when I cooked for my family, had a couple of bits and that was it for me. That was the only thing I ate yesterday. This morning, when I got home. I decided to cook me some chicken and waffles for break fast. I have taken two bites of each and I'm done. What the hell is wrong with me. I also haven't been getting any sleep. Although I've been doing a lot of resting, I haven't been doing much sleeping. So I was talking to my mom about me breaking out and I thought it was all because of the dairy products that I'm allergic too. My mom was like, yeah, but its stress too. She was like, you have never broke out this bad. In a way, i don't feel like I'm stressed because I'm not letting life get me down and I'm not really concentrating on it. But I guess when you concentrate on trying to be so happy, its the same as worrying about the bad things. Can somebody bring over a bucket of Ice cream, a 20piece, some triple stackers, and a diet coke so I cant get my life together?

Weekend of Thinking.

This weekend, I had my house all to myself. You would have thought that I would have got some rest or enjoyed the hell out of my weekend. I can say the only thing I did different was go to my moms this weekend. I constantly find myself sitting at home, eating, and picking up a bottle. LOL. What is that all about? So Saturday, I decided to call my mom and go home. I put the dog in my car, got some gas, and headed up north. Once I got there, no one was around. I walked into the house and it was dead silence. I went to my aunts and it was scarce too. Finally, I went to my sisters and it was full of excitement. I have three little nephews who are loud and full of energy. I sat down and ate with my dad, whom I haven't seen in months. After that, I went to the store and decided to go home and cook. By the time I finished cooking my grandmother, aunt, mom, and sisters all showed up. I realized that I don't have to be lonely anymore. Although I'm going to hate driving 45 minutes to work everyday, I'm looking forward to getting to know me and my background again. I guess once a foundation has been broken or destroyed, its good to start over from the roots. Sometimes we get too engulfed in this life style. What do I mean by that. Well, I'm only going to speak for myself right after I give this harsh example. Ever meet someone thats all about going to the club, being online, hanging with their friends, sex, drinking, partying, etc.... Thats not me completely. I think once I started experiencing new things, that becomes my life. For instance, I can say that 98% of the people I talk to are males and live the same life that I live. I barely go to the clubs but I don't go to the straight clubs at all. I don't visit my family often. Everything that I do and almost everthing that I talk about has to do with the life. On my birthday, the only straight people that were there was my sister, her boyfriend, and one other gurl. I've got to do better. I end with this for myself Phillings, what ever happened to church? You pray and you go into DEEP prayer, but what happened to the rock.